Over the past month, I have enjoyed reading the daily thankful posts of many friends on Facebook. With each one I have been encouraged to meditate on the things in my life I am thankful for, whether great or small. The list is endless and could fill years and years of daily thankful posts. This year, however, I give thanks for something that only recently has revealed it's deeper value. This year I give thanks for salvation, but in a way that I have never understood before. This year I give thanks for the salvation of a child who's only life here on earth was four months in my womb. This year I give thanks that our baby is dancing to songs of praise at the foot of the Lord's throne!!
I remember walking out of the doctor's office that Friday in July with tears pouring from our eyes as Chris and I climbed in the car. Never before had I experienced such a life-altering situation. Life or death...those were the options for the little child growing inside me. All the excitement portrayed in the phone calls and messages announcing we were pregnant a few months earlier was gone...only desperation was left. Desperation and confusion. The truth is we really had no clue what the very near future held.
I didn't understand and I had no control, but as the doctor said, "only time would tell." Only time would tell whether this baby was alive and would have the chance to share in our lives, or whether this was the end. My mind raced in hundreds of directions. There were glimpses of all the things I would miss out on, pleas for healing and mercy, and questions I have never faced before. How am I supposed to pray? Do I pray for God's will, and what if that means death? Did I cause this? How do I live by faith in these moments and the moments ahead? When will I know?
7.13...a day that changed my life forever. I woke up feeling as though the events of the day before had been a terrible nightmare, yet reminding myself this was the reality in which I was living. It was time to get up and face the unknown, and I had to choose to hold onto hope that seemed to be fleeting away. No matter how alone, afraid, and helpless Chris and I felt, God promises to never forsake us, so we held onto HOPE.
That morning I prayed the hardest prayer I've ever prayed. Lord, with all my heart, I believe that you are sovereign and powerful. You alone can do anything. You are the giver of life and the one who takes it away. Lord, I desperately want you to heal this baby inside me, to give it life and I know you can! But Lord, if you are calling this baby home to be with you, I trust you. It is not my choice, but yours. I trust you.
How could I even pray a prayer like this? Was I just giving up? With all my heart I believe that it was the opportunity to put my faith in the One who was able to do more than I could ask, to believe His promise that He wants the best for us. It doesn't mean it is always going to be easy, or the answer I want, but it is His best. As much as we wanted the baby to live, God knew exactly what life here on earth would be like for our child, and I believe His choice protected, loved, and saved the baby.
I remember sitting on the couch crying as I listened to countless songs that spoke of God walking with us through the trials of life. One that specifically stood out reminded me..."I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see...because this broken road prepares Your will for me." Our answer came only a few hours later and the breaking of my heart seemed like more than I could ever bear. But it was in those moments of sorrow that God drew near and held me in His loving arms full of peace. And in the days and months following, God is healing my heart and giving me reasons to rejoice again! Losing a child, even one so young is a pain greater than I have ever experienced. But today I rejoice as I hold Moriah, our daughter, tightly and see the beauty of her joy. I rejoice as I see the depth of the love Christ has given Chris and I as we face, so far, the hardest moment of our marriage. I rejoice because in Him there is salvation!
God has taught me over the years how valuable is my salvation, but not until we lost a child was I able to grasp the depth of His love and mercy toward us. It is only because of Christ, giving His life, that our child can experience eternal life in God's presence. Only because of Christ can I truly say that in our mourning there is HOPE! And now as I sing songs of praise to our Lord because of His great love for us, I will always picture our little one dancing at the foot of His throne.
