Over the past month, I have enjoyed reading the daily thankful posts of many friends on Facebook. With each one I have been encouraged to meditate on the things in my life I am thankful for, whether great or small. The list is endless and could fill years and years of daily thankful posts. This year, however, I give thanks for something that only recently has revealed it's deeper value. This year I give thanks for salvation, but in a way that I have never understood before. This year I give thanks for the salvation of a child who's only life here on earth was four months in my womb. This year I give thanks that our baby is dancing to songs of praise at the foot of the Lord's throne!!
I remember walking out of the doctor's office that Friday in July with tears pouring from our eyes as Chris and I climbed in the car. Never before had I experienced such a life-altering situation. Life or death...those were the options for the little child growing inside me. All the excitement portrayed in the phone calls and messages announcing we were pregnant a few months earlier was gone...only desperation was left. Desperation and confusion. The truth is we really had no clue what the very near future held.
I didn't understand and I had no control, but as the doctor said, "only time would tell." Only time would tell whether this baby was alive and would have the chance to share in our lives, or whether this was the end. My mind raced in hundreds of directions. There were glimpses of all the things I would miss out on, pleas for healing and mercy, and questions I have never faced before. How am I supposed to pray? Do I pray for God's will, and what if that means death? Did I cause this? How do I live by faith in these moments and the moments ahead? When will I know?
7.13...a day that changed my life forever. I woke up feeling as though the events of the day before had been a terrible nightmare, yet reminding myself this was the reality in which I was living. It was time to get up and face the unknown, and I had to choose to hold onto hope that seemed to be fleeting away. No matter how alone, afraid, and helpless Chris and I felt, God promises to never forsake us, so we held onto HOPE.
That morning I prayed the hardest prayer I've ever prayed. Lord, with all my heart, I believe that you are sovereign and powerful. You alone can do anything. You are the giver of life and the one who takes it away. Lord, I desperately want you to heal this baby inside me, to give it life and I know you can! But Lord, if you are calling this baby home to be with you, I trust you. It is not my choice, but yours. I trust you.
How could I even pray a prayer like this? Was I just giving up? With all my heart I believe that it was the opportunity to put my faith in the One who was able to do more than I could ask, to believe His promise that He wants the best for us. It doesn't mean it is always going to be easy, or the answer I want, but it is His best. As much as we wanted the baby to live, God knew exactly what life here on earth would be like for our child, and I believe His choice protected, loved, and saved the baby.
I remember sitting on the couch crying as I listened to countless songs that spoke of God walking with us through the trials of life. One that specifically stood out reminded me..."I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see...because this broken road prepares Your will for me." Our answer came only a few hours later and the breaking of my heart seemed like more than I could ever bear. But it was in those moments of sorrow that God drew near and held me in His loving arms full of peace. And in the days and months following, God is healing my heart and giving me reasons to rejoice again! Losing a child, even one so young is a pain greater than I have ever experienced. But today I rejoice as I hold Moriah, our daughter, tightly and see the beauty of her joy. I rejoice as I see the depth of the love Christ has given Chris and I as we face, so far, the hardest moment of our marriage. I rejoice because in Him there is salvation!
God has taught me over the years how valuable is my salvation, but not until we lost a child was I able to grasp the depth of His love and mercy toward us. It is only because of Christ, giving His life, that our child can experience eternal life in God's presence. Only because of Christ can I truly say that in our mourning there is HOPE! And now as I sing songs of praise to our Lord because of His great love for us, I will always picture our little one dancing at the foot of His throne.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Fighting Fear
A few Sundays ago, Chris talked about being completely surrendered to Christ in such a way that you allow Him to live through you rather than trying to make it on your own. I've experienced this in many ways, but one area I must surrender often is fear.
I remember as a young girl praying in my bed at night asking Jesus to take away my dreams and keep me from being afraid. Back then, it was simple! With faith like a child, I had no doubt in my mind that God could do it and that He would! I am amazed how God's Words spoken to us are spoken because He know us so well. He encourages us to have faith like a child because He knows the complexities and distractions this world offers. He knows that the more harm corruption and sin bring to our lives, the more difficult it is to hold onto the simple hope and faith we once had.
Why should I not fear when I know the darkness of the world? Why should I not cut myself off and protect all I love from that darkness? The reason is clear, God DID NOT create me to fear...and when I live in fear I limit the possibilities and desires of God in my life.
Phil 4:6-7 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus." I know, we've heard this verse countless times, but the reality is, it's TRUE! God doesn't want us to fear because He has amazing things in store, so he provides a peace that is greater than our circumstances. It is the kind of peace that means we don't have to explain it all, we don't have to have the answers, we don't even have to have control of the situation. It is peace that allows us to acknowledge the facts and move on trusting that the God who created us has our best in mind. And the reality is, we do such a terrible job of guarding our hearts and minds, it is wonderful to know someone else is fighting for their protection! What an awesome gift - that the Creator of the universe cares so much about us that He protects our hearts and minds.
So fear is my fight, a natural action of my flesh that is opposed to the plans and purposes God has for me. Fear is what I must deny, even daily, in order to pick up my cross and follow Jesus. But how?
Talking about it is the simple, easy part! Applying the concepts, and joining the Lord in the fight for the protection of my heart and mind is difficult! But the answer is in the verse...prayer, not just flippant words, but deep meditation and memorization, which leads to belief and lifestyle. When I pray asking God to remove my fears and give me victory over them, do I actually believe I can just let go? Or do I start playing the "what if" game over in my head until I've reached the pit of despair (yes, I love the Princess Bride!). What is my response when fears arise, and are those fears legit? Like I said earlier, it is a daily process, a choice to evaluate the things in my life I fear and trust the Lord to give me victory over them when they arise. It is a conscious effort to meditate on the verses I have memorized and believe they are, not only TRUE, but they are God's BEST for my life. I have found that rejecting fear is freeing, and allows me to pursue the adventures God has for my life with deeper faith than ever before. So I will do it, I will fight fear daily and rely on Scripture as my weapon, and trust God as my foundation on which to stand.
I remember as a young girl praying in my bed at night asking Jesus to take away my dreams and keep me from being afraid. Back then, it was simple! With faith like a child, I had no doubt in my mind that God could do it and that He would! I am amazed how God's Words spoken to us are spoken because He know us so well. He encourages us to have faith like a child because He knows the complexities and distractions this world offers. He knows that the more harm corruption and sin bring to our lives, the more difficult it is to hold onto the simple hope and faith we once had.
Why should I not fear when I know the darkness of the world? Why should I not cut myself off and protect all I love from that darkness? The reason is clear, God DID NOT create me to fear...and when I live in fear I limit the possibilities and desires of God in my life.
Phil 4:6-7 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus." I know, we've heard this verse countless times, but the reality is, it's TRUE! God doesn't want us to fear because He has amazing things in store, so he provides a peace that is greater than our circumstances. It is the kind of peace that means we don't have to explain it all, we don't have to have the answers, we don't even have to have control of the situation. It is peace that allows us to acknowledge the facts and move on trusting that the God who created us has our best in mind. And the reality is, we do such a terrible job of guarding our hearts and minds, it is wonderful to know someone else is fighting for their protection! What an awesome gift - that the Creator of the universe cares so much about us that He protects our hearts and minds.
So fear is my fight, a natural action of my flesh that is opposed to the plans and purposes God has for me. Fear is what I must deny, even daily, in order to pick up my cross and follow Jesus. But how?
Talking about it is the simple, easy part! Applying the concepts, and joining the Lord in the fight for the protection of my heart and mind is difficult! But the answer is in the verse...prayer, not just flippant words, but deep meditation and memorization, which leads to belief and lifestyle. When I pray asking God to remove my fears and give me victory over them, do I actually believe I can just let go? Or do I start playing the "what if" game over in my head until I've reached the pit of despair (yes, I love the Princess Bride!). What is my response when fears arise, and are those fears legit? Like I said earlier, it is a daily process, a choice to evaluate the things in my life I fear and trust the Lord to give me victory over them when they arise. It is a conscious effort to meditate on the verses I have memorized and believe they are, not only TRUE, but they are God's BEST for my life. I have found that rejecting fear is freeing, and allows me to pursue the adventures God has for my life with deeper faith than ever before. So I will do it, I will fight fear daily and rely on Scripture as my weapon, and trust God as my foundation on which to stand.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
First Love
Today is Valentine's Day, and while scrolling through my Facebook posts, it's interesting to see the different statements, attitudes, and views concerning this day of LOVE. It's funny how through the journey of life, one's perspective can change drastically. As young children it is a special day because we get to enjoy parties at school (candy is the highlight) and share sweet, innocent cards with our friends. A few years later, we get excited that we might receive a valentine note from a secret admirer and the flutters in our tummies go wild. Normally, by high school, most get to share Valentine's Day with a special someone...flowers, balloons, cards, chocolates are vastly spread across campus. College is much the same as high school, except the Valentines are more serious, and sometimes even include a marriage proposal.
For me, it was a little different, because my first real Valentine's came after Chris and I were engaged. Don't get me wrong, I have loved every Valentines I have spent with him as he has made me feel cherished, loved, blessed! Additionally, my Dad and Mom always made the day special, from homemade heart shaped cookies to special nights of dinner and movies. On Valentine's Day in my past, I have never doubted that I am loved by someone.
However, as I think back on today, the one Valentine's that I will always remember was my freshman year in college. Not because I went on a special date, or because I had someone special in my life, but because of the sweet, kind gift of a friend, who encouraged me to realize that every Valentine's Day of my life, I have been loved by my FIRST LOVE! In college, receiving mail was always a joy, and on that day about 11 years ago, I went to my mail box and inside found a package with a letter. Inside the package was a book by my favorite author and a note that reminded me on a day of LOVE, that God loved me first and it was Him who remembered me, Him who loved me most, Him who considered me worthy of LOVE! In all the moments of loneliness, jealousy, questioning, even days other than February 14, He held me near to His heart and His love was unconditional. Chris is the love of my life, but God will always and forever be my FIRST LOVE! To this day I still don't know who the friend was, but I am thankful for the memory, the gift, the reminder...
For me, it was a little different, because my first real Valentine's came after Chris and I were engaged. Don't get me wrong, I have loved every Valentines I have spent with him as he has made me feel cherished, loved, blessed! Additionally, my Dad and Mom always made the day special, from homemade heart shaped cookies to special nights of dinner and movies. On Valentine's Day in my past, I have never doubted that I am loved by someone.
However, as I think back on today, the one Valentine's that I will always remember was my freshman year in college. Not because I went on a special date, or because I had someone special in my life, but because of the sweet, kind gift of a friend, who encouraged me to realize that every Valentine's Day of my life, I have been loved by my FIRST LOVE! In college, receiving mail was always a joy, and on that day about 11 years ago, I went to my mail box and inside found a package with a letter. Inside the package was a book by my favorite author and a note that reminded me on a day of LOVE, that God loved me first and it was Him who remembered me, Him who loved me most, Him who considered me worthy of LOVE! In all the moments of loneliness, jealousy, questioning, even days other than February 14, He held me near to His heart and His love was unconditional. Chris is the love of my life, but God will always and forever be my FIRST LOVE! To this day I still don't know who the friend was, but I am thankful for the memory, the gift, the reminder...
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